I don’t know if writing needs a reason. But tonight, I just want to write, whatever the idea, inscribing down a little of words seems pretty relieving to me as I just feel like my heart wants to burst out.
It’s 1.30 am. I feel so alone at the moment, but sometimes being alone is good. Never be there a moment like this in the midday, where I can lay down myself, take my time peacefully, and drowned over unrestrained thinking. Mostly, gone overthink. I hate myself as I come to this point. I can feel my head going dizzy. The past, future, dreams, love, logic, responsibility, purpose, endings…all whirling around my musings.
I remember my physics teacher at senior high school once ever told us that every equation we had used was assumed in under ideal condition. Which means without that assuming, we can’t do the given equation and actually that the real condition has many noises that makes it not ideal as well. He said it also happened in our real life. Indeed.
Sometimes, we (or it should be “I”) chase very badly for beautiful dreams, love, and life, that apparently only a few of lucky people can attain them exactly like the way they want. But, most of us must have ever felt failed, disappointed, angry, down, desperate, and every negative energy that weakened us from the inside. At least just a hole of imperfections in life, we all have it. And in this solitary moment, I really can’t get over one of mine. I usually end up crying, some other time almost crying, or the best one just falling asleep too tired. It’s difficult to say all I need is more patience and gratitude. And way more difficult even to practice it in real life. But in the end, we will leave all of this. Die. And when the time comes, what ever happened before, good or sad, nothing will really matter. What I struggled for very hard, I might not bring them along after the day. Not career, nor children, nor money, nor wealth, nor love. Only good deeds and tawhid. Even now, I am nothing more than a dust particle to this universe. So, being not ideal is just fine. Thinking this way makes me feel better and stronger. Just go on. Go on.